The Atrocious Music Collection: #38 in a series
Artists: Various
Song Titles: Various
Category: Christmas Music
Year: Various
Cover art style: N/A
Audio:
- Marlene Paul: Christmas With Elvis
- Rick Dees: Disco Duck Christmas
- Singing Francine: Christmas is Here
Acquisition: cassette tape, recorded from the radio
There are some circles in which all Christmas Music is considered atrocious, but I cannot subscribe to that outlook. Take O Tannenbaum or The Nutcracker or Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer or even the Chipmunks’ Hula Hoop Christmas song All gems, of a sort.
I’m not sure what year this Atrocious Christmas Program was on WFMU and then captured on this cassette tape, although I know the show went from 10pm to midnight, on what I’d like to imagine was Christmas Eve. I want to warn you that the audio quality of this cassette is pretty terrible, and so few of these songs are out there in internet-land that we will have to resort to that poor radio/cassette/long-time-ago audio.
Our host, Irwin Chusid, the Santa Claus of Atrocious Music (if you will), began his show with this message: “Christmas is all about giving… [a time] to remember those less fortunate… Tonight, in the spirit of Yuletide generosity, we’re going to pay tribute to those unfortunates who are severely deprived of talent. Now, it’s difficult to figure out a proper way of giving to these sorry folks, because, if you think about it money and bags of groceries will offer these people no relief… What it is that they need?... Attention. Airplay.” Thus commenced the “seasonal atrocities,” a small sampling of the worst Christmas music ever.
Marlene Paul’s novelty song I Wanna Spend Christmas With Elvis is simply one of the worst novelty rock-and-roll songs of all time, according to Irwin, but at least Marlene doesn't want to kidnap Elvis. Kidnapping seems to be the idea behind the novelty song I'm Gonna Put Some Glue 'Round the Christmas Tree (So Santa Claus Will Stick Around All Year). There appear to be many recorded versions of this song, including an early Joel Grey disc. The version here combines the Santa kidnapping theme with the terror of letting very young kids record Christmas songs. As Irwin points out, it is not cute, but rather "child exploitation of the worst kind." Besides, Irwin thinks Little Georgie Holliday sounds like a “Cabbage Patch mutant.”
Bobby Sherman exploits kids as well for his Christmas Is (Make it Sweet). And to complete the child exploitation trifecta, we also have Santa Clause is Watching Me, sung by an unidentified child. Lucky for him.
Irwin Chusid took personal offense to the novelty Disco Duck records, created by radio personality Rick Dees around 1978, because the duck’s name was also Irwin. Of course, once you’ve got a novelty song success, a novelty Christmas version is close behind. Hence, Disco Duck Christmas, which manages to be more terrible than the original Disco Duck. Irwin C. points out that ducks are a traditional Christmas meal option, just in case we were wondering what to do with D.D.
Christmas is Here suffers particularly by the poor recording quality because some of the “richness” of the song is lost. Irwin compares this tune to “gorging yourself at a family dinner…beyond the limits of your appetite, you just keep eating because you’re bored… This is what you are going feel like after listening to this song.” I can find no information about the performer, Singing Francine, who is clearly not the calypso singer with the same name.
The strangest cut played on the show has to be the homemade record Christmas with the Dan Roadys (“not available at Sam Goody’s, Record World…or Tower Records”) It is the Dan Roady family, just average Americans, showing off their individual and collective talents. Here we have what is perhaps the purest expression of the Christmas spirit, not striving for any commercial success or financial gain. Just the recorded equivalent of those holiday “what’s been going on with our family this year” letters, but without the pictures of the places they went on vacation this past year. A point for the record, I think.
Merry Christmas everyone, and hope your ears are filled with only the very best Christmas Music - The Waitresses' Christmas Wrapping.