A Brief History of Root Vegetables

a comic opera in three acts
by David Heuser (© 2010)

Synopsis - or try this one instead.

Errata: All of this.

Act I, Scene 1: The home of Madam Odelia Smyth-Maggót, at sunrise.
Travis, a young man, comes home from a night out on the town and sings about the joys of the early morning. As he finishes his song, his cousin Bernard appears unexpectedly. He has just been released from the army, although he is strangely coy about his discharge. He has traveled all night to get home and is exhausted. They sing together of old times and end up falling asleep by the front stoop of the house.

Act I, Scene 2: The same, a few hours later.
The Narrator explains that the extended Smyth-Maggót family has come to their ancestral home for the funeral of the family matriarch, Madam Odelia Smyth-Maggót. As some of the family comes downstairs, they discover Travis and Bernard, who they greet with great joy. After Travis and Bernard go off to bed, Pembroke Jr. gathers everyone together to plan the day. They have to clean out the house and get ready for the funeral, which is tomorrow. They all agree to work hard. After everyone else leaves, Pemmie stays behind with his cousin Valerie, and tells her his secret desire to become an insurance salesman, even though he knows how much his father wants him to carry on the family tradition in acrobatics. However, he feels trapped because deep in his heart he knows he is terribly afraid of heights. Valerie tries to inspire him by climbing to the roof and performing a triple summersault onto the trampoline in the yard. Unfortunately, her trick goes horribly wrong, and Claudio, the gardener, who has been watching them, runs off to see if there is a doctor in the house. Pemmie is so distraught, he tries to form a human pyramid all by himself. In tears, he runs off vowing to conquer his acrophobia or die trying.

Act I, Scene 3: Madam Smyth-Maggót’s bedroom, a little while later.
Angie tells Jake, Amanda, J.R. and Marissa that David isn’t Trevor’s father, but that the DNA tests proved Jake is Trevor’s biological father. Pressured by Greenlee, David returns to Pine Valley and eventually admits that he not only isn’t Trevor’s father, but he also isn’t dying. Jake, in his anger, begins to fight with David, and Amanda has to keep Jake from beating David to death. Amanda wants to forget what David has done and just be a family with Jake and Trevor, but Jake is determined to get revenge against David for his lies. Greenlee is determined to get well as soon as possible, and hopes she will still be beautiful when the bandages come off. Adam returns from the hospital with the blackmail note hidden in his crutches, and keeps insisting that he is fine. On Mitch’s orders, Nurse Charlene drugs and kidnaps Jessica, taking her to Mitch’s hideout.

Intermission, wherein several members of the audience accost the composer and ask him if he wouldn’t mind stepping outside and answering a few questions.

Act II, Scene 1: The garden outside the house, at about the same time.
Joy and Travis meet in the garden and express their love for each other, as well as their concerns for their relationship. Joy lets it be known that she is always worried when Travis goes up on the high-wire, and Travis admits that he has a hard time getting past her prominent Roman nose, both figuratively and literally. I mean, it’s a very big nose. It is rare to see a proboscis this large just walking around on the street, but to see one of this size on such a fine singer in an opera¸ wow!…talk about getting your money’s worth! Forget everything else you see tonight, this is a story you’ll be able to tell the grandkids about years from now, you know what I mean? How can she even sing with that thing attached to her face? Man oh man… Now, where was I?

Act II, Scene 2: Inside the house, a little while later.
Elaina and Pemmie argue and search for the ruby and argue some more. Faye complains about her family. Trophy comes to her for help with her search and ends up spilling the beans about the ruby. Talbot learns about the ruby from Faye and goes looking for it. Meanwhile Elaina and Pemmie go looking for it in Valerie and Bridget’s room. Talbot accidentally tells Valerie about the ruby. Pembroke Jr. discovers Trophy drunk and passed out in Faye’s room and gets really mad. Valerie tells Bridget about the ruby, and, when the two of them come back to their own room, Elaina and Pemmie have to quickly return to their room, which means Tabot and Faye have to quickly return to their room. Pembroke Jr. confronts Faye about Trophy’s condition; Faye confronts Pembroke Jr. about his embezzlement. Everyone decides to search downstairs for the jewelry box at the same time. The Narrator, who’s script is now in tatters, gets run over by the whole lot of them and then chased by Claudio. After several false cries of “I’ve found it,” Pemmie and Pembroke Jr. find the missing jewelry box at the same time. The scene ends with them wrestling with each other over the box.

Act III, Scene 1: Nepal, 20 years before.
Caught in a blinding snow storm on top of K2, Pembroke Sr. does what every respectable mountain climber would do in a deadly situation like this. He reminisces about his life. Out loud. In song. With a reprise. Anyway, he finds his past lacking, and he vows that if he survives, he will change his ways. From now on, instead of tuna on toast, he’ll have chicken salad on rye, untoasted, with a side of potato salad and a cup of tea. An avalanche buries him.

Act III, Scene 2: Near Earth orbit, 100 years in the future.
I’ve got nothing. I have no idea why this scene is in the opera or what happens during it. But, man, if we could pull off zero-G onstage, live, that would be great. Nothing would really have to happen – we could just do that Cirque du Soleil stuff.

Act III, Scene 3: A brief history of root vegetables.
Where would the Irish be without the potato? Where would the Polynesians be without the taro root? Where would we all be if we only ate the things that grew above the ground?

Act III, Scene 4: In the living room, a few moments after Act II, Scene 2.
In which all is resolved to everyone’s satisfaction. The audience leaves feeling energized and enthusiastic about life. The air itself seems fresher, we suddenly notice the beauty in all of the small things around us, and we tell those close to us that we love them.

Who are we kidding?